ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.