@KevinFarzad

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

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@ROSEandDAYFIELD

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

@jimmytorosian

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@mortimermaiden

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

@jovialjennay

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

@iamchrisscott

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@Whitr1010

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

@seantgreen

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.