My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
You Might Also Like
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.