Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
You Might Also Like
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday