Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
You Might Also Like
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*