me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.