ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
You Might Also Like
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
She: I like Cats
He:
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*aggressively waits in line*