Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Yes
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”