ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?