@benedictsred

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

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@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@WilliamAder

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

@_elvishpresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@CAshmanActor

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@epsn_cmolinar

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?