Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

You Might Also Like


ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me


Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?


even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side


My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.


[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it


Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.


Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.


CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.


It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.


Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?