ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”