me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!