me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
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Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight