@jimmytorosian Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
@fro_vo Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You Might Also Like
@jimmytorosian 
@Writepop Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
@Dawn_M_ Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
@KyleMcDowell86 “Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
@SortaBad Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
@TheBoydP What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
@Kendragarden My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
@KateWhineHall Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
@ceejoyner Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
@thatdutchperson *strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?