@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

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@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

@Writepop

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@SortaBad

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@KateWhineHall

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

@ceejoyner

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?