Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”