Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
You Might Also Like
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666