ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Someone just threatened to call me later
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…