Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.


If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.


[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up


Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.


Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind


Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.


GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here


I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.


Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and