@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

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@GorillaNipples1

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

@FlyoverJoel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

@TweetPotato314

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

@Izianikapani

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@bobvulfov

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

@skedaddle74

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

@ArcTypeAngel

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and