@annadrezen A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
You Might Also Like
@annadrezen 
@MoistPork 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
@KimmyMonte if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
@Tmoney68 In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
@Jake_Vig The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
@Shenanigans_luv *grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
@AlanFelyk “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@mrjohndarby [meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
@Landon8426 Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
@YourDailyGroan Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.