Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist