Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill


Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.


I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces


Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.


Dating Tips

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.


Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.


Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!


HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]


Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.