Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.