ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
You Might Also Like
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.