Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You Might Also Like
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal