Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Beware…..
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man