me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.