Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Twitter remains undefeated

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

bought wrong eggs

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.