Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!