Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
what the
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.