Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
my professor scared me for a second
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.