ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.