Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked