ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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buys donuts instead
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!