Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
How to properly lift a body
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
How wrong was this guy?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.