Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.