Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
2023 was just a warmup
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.