Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too