@basic_afbitch Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
@isabelzawtun Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
@007Pepe_Rex A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
@dumbbeezie Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
@brunopieroni Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
@thepunningman Just how popey was the pope today?
@nickeldoodle 
@mommajessiec A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
@KalvinMacleod CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
@RidiculousSheri Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
@awkwardenabled Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
