Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Facebook memories be like
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.