me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight