Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
scares
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
🤣🤣🤣
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children