Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”