Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
that colleague who touches your screen
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*