Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
OH. COME. ON.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.