me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
A leaf blower, but for people.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.