Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.