me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.