Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.