Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Anyone want a chair?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?