Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27