Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
May never get over this
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
scrabbled eggs
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain