Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped