Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
You Might Also Like
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot