Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
You Might Also Like
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously