Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me recordaron éste meme
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside