Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*pronounces patio like ratio
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Incredible customer service.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit