Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
You Might Also Like
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
japanese corn
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.