ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to